I’m one of those people who has done things the hard way all my life. If my parents said, “NO!”, I said, “YES!” and did whatever it was anyway. I could never take anyone’s word that this + that would equal disaster. Somehow, I just knew if I did the thing, it would turn out like it should. But, it didn’t. Ever.
I was even a difficult baby. I had colic for three months. My mother said she walked the floor with me day and night, trying to keep me from screaming and crying. I was the kid who had stomach aches, headaches, was nauseated when someone else threw up in class and wanted to go home. (not sure if Mother came to get me or not that day). I was the kid who could be playing “Witch” (chase), get caught, climb up on the doghouse (the jail) and fall off only to fracture her elbow ending up in a cast for 6 weeks or so. I even had seizures. So, life has not been easy in many ways. Sure, I got everything and more that I asked for- I took tap and ballet lessons, piano and violin, participated in church programs – all that kind of stuff. But, inside, I often felt lonely, left out, afraid. No one ever “made” me feel that way- I just did.
As a teenager, I eloped, had a baby at 17, divorced at 18, lived with my parents, went to college, was suspended from college for a poor GPA and really just went my own way . Listening to anyone was not included in my lifestyle or agenda.I was a free spirit with my own ideas – some pretty far out!
I think, looking back on it all, my feelings of insecurity, my lack of self confidence and a diagnosis of bipolar disorder were all contributing factors to my outright rebelliousness. I’m not going to say I was a bad kid- the bad seed- although I will say I was the black sheep of the family. To me, even though I complicated my own life and those who lived with me by being so stubborn and independent in my thinking , in doing things my own way, it was a God-thing.
I wanted to test things – limits, patience, love, friendships, even God Himself. I pushed the envelope every chance I got, daring anyone to defy me. I wanted to know that those who loved me and cared for me really did. I was a little girl who was scared the people she loved would leave her. Some did. I found out it wasn’t the end of the world. The people who counted never left me- my family of origin, my husband, sons and daughter- stayed beside me always. No matter how far away I tried to be, they were there. In fact, I divorced my husband, Stephen in the ’90’s. He told me later, ” I felt God telling me not to see the person you were during this time, but to see you as His child.” So, he did. And he waited and loved me anyway- even though I had a boyfriend and lived 4 hours away. Even though we were apart for a couple of years, I felt him loving me every time we talked on the phone- every time my car was broken and he would drive down to Austin from Dallas just to fix it. I felt his love when he saw me on the weekends. We were truly terrible at being divorced. So, on Valentine’s Day 2000, Stephen asked our boys if it was okay if he asked me to marry him again. He did . I did . And I realize that this is the way God loves us. Even though we test Him, back away from Him, perhaps curse at Him, shaking our fists when things don’t go our way- God is still there for us, He still loves us.He waits to welcome us back into His fold. Isn’t that wonderful?
My husband teases me, saying he’d do anything for an easy life. Me? I’m glad I tested the limits , thought on my own, went my own way… back to God.
If your life isn’t easy- don’t wish for it to be so. You may miss something important-something like God’s blessings.