A problem with folks with bipolar disorder, like me is sometimes there are just too many emotions -sometimes all at once. This past weekend was like that for me.
Friday, my cousin posted the first photo we’ve (meaning our generation) have ever seen of our grandfather (my mother’s dad). It was one of the most weirdly emotional things I’ve ever felt. I saw my grandaddy’s photo with his teammates- he was a pitcher for Southern Methodist University’s baseball team in 1919- and I was instantly excited and sad all at once. He died in 1955- two years before I was born. He was persona non grata in ours and my mother’s siblings’ houses. Apparently, he stayed drunk most of the time and once went on a bender and never came back. Sad , really as he was a doctor and even gave up his practice (as far as I know) for drink. At any rate, he was never talked about and we never had any answers about him.
I found his death certificate when I was a member of ancestry.com. I felt such a weird profound sadness for this man I never knew but was a part of. He passed away from lung cancer which had metastisized to his brain and pneumonia. I began to wonder if my mother and her brothers and sisters knew when he died, if they cared or not. Then I wondered if he died alone. I was so sad to think he could have.
Saturday, my husband found a video with my mother,sister and son in law in it. They all passed away just a couple of years after the video was made.It’s kind of funny because when someone dies, you’d give anything to see them again- to hear their voices. But, I found it to be unbelievably sad. I longed for my mother more when I saw her on the film than when I can’t see her. How odd is that? Same for my sister and son -in- law. I wonder why that is? See what I mean about the emotions? So excited to see them and hear their voices and laughs, but so sad that I couldn’t have more. I don’t think I meant to be greedy- maybe it’s just natural to long for people who have gone on before you.
Sunday found me mad at the world. Today, I am not quite myself, but almost. I don’t really think people are built for such a range of emotions as this.