…since I’ve written. It’s been a very emotional week for me and I’m not whining so don’t call the wahbulance. It’s been an interesting, exhausting and exciting and overwhelming week- so much so that I made an early appointment with my therapist. I usually go once a month, but felt so overwhelmed by emotions I decided to go early.
It’s not that I am so fragile, you see-it’s that after being diagnosed bipolar, I was put on meds that for all intents and purposes shut off my emotions. I was, in effect, a sort of robot person for a very long time. I couldn’t handle the over-emotions and mood swings I had. Now, on different medications that don’t dull my senses and emotions, when I was presented with Christmas videos including my late mother, late son in law and my late sister and then my first ever glimpse of my grandfather- I had so many emotions and I was just not sure what to do with them all.
See, my grandfather-my mom’s dad, was never talked about- he had been an alcoholic who went on a bender one night and never came back. Questions were not answered about him other than an “I don’t want to talk about it now,” from my mother. My mother was very angry with her dad because he left them. I cannot blame her. Back then, one didn’t talk about a spouse, child, brother, sister-what have you- who happened to be alcoholics or as commonly put- “a drunk.” It was a huge embarrassment, to boot.
My grandfathers both died before I was born and while I’d seen photos and known about the reasons for my daddy’s dads demise, I had no clue as to why my mother’s dad passed away. I found his death certificate from ancestry.com and felt such an overwhelming sadness when I read he had died from lung cancer and pneumonia. I wondered if he was alone, if anyone knew (the kids or my grandmother) and I felt instantly sorry for him. And for me for not having known him.
Here it is Christmas and I’m overwhelmed with emotions. My mother passed away December 21, 2004. It’s so odd because I’m not sad, just emotional. hmmmn.