It Seems Like Forever…

…since I’ve written. It’s been a very emotional week for me and I’m not whining so don’t call the wahbulance. It’s been an interesting, exhausting and exciting and overwhelming week- so much so that I made an early appointment with my therapist. I usually go once a month, but felt so overwhelmed by emotions I decided to go early.

It’s not that I am so fragile, you see-it’s that after being diagnosed bipolar, I was put on meds that for all intents and purposes shut off my emotions. I was, in effect, a sort of robot person for a very long time. I couldn’t handle the over-emotions and mood swings I had. Now, on different medications that don’t dull my  senses and emotions, when I was presented with Christmas videos including my late mother, late son in law and my late sister and then my first ever glimpse of my grandfather- I had so many emotions and I was just not sure what to do with them all.

See, my grandfather-my mom’s dad, was never talked about- he had been an alcoholic who went on a bender one night and never came back. Questions were not answered about him other than an “I don’t want to talk about it now,” from my mother. My mother was very angry with her dad because he left them. I cannot blame her. Back then, one didn’t talk about a spouse, child, brother, sister-what have you- who happened to be alcoholics or as commonly put- “a drunk.” It was a huge embarrassment, to boot.

My grandfathers both died before I was born and while I’d seen photos and known about the reasons for my daddy’s dads demise, I had no clue as to why my mother’s dad passed away. I found his death certificate from and felt such an overwhelming sadness when I read he had died from lung cancer and pneumonia. I wondered if he was alone, if anyone knew (the kids or my grandmother) and I felt instantly sorry for him. And for me for not having known him.

Here it is Christmas and I’m overwhelmed with emotions. My mother passed away December 21, 2004. It’s so odd because I’m not sad, just emotional. hmmmn.

One thought on “It Seems Like Forever…

  1. Paula, sorry you are going thru this. Holidays can be the worst. You are “supposed” to be happy and really most times, I just want to crawl under a rock and tell everyone to go away. I usually am able to “put on” a happy face, and very few people see thru. I get depressed quite easily, but do not suffer from depression. I can always “pick” myself up by the bootstraps. My heart and prayers go out to you at this challenging time. You can get thru this. Are you still grieving? I know that when my grandparents passed, I went into an alcoholic down spiral. Once I pushed thru the grief, having a drink was not so necessary. Then when my mom passed, I read book after book on how to handle grief and read that grieving can take the form of an addiction. Wow! Everyone in school thought I was an alcoholic for a while….So maybe your grief is adding to this emotional roller coaster you are on. Just my 2 cents….hope you are back to your normal soon!

    Liked by 1 person

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