Missing Her Again.

I’ve been crocheting a blanket for my grand-daughter  and listening to Christian music, specifically, the CD from Heaven is Real and the Newsboys CD. While listening to the Heaven is Real CD and crocheting that little blanket, my thoughts turned toward my mother. This time twelve years ago, she was in the hospital dying of ovarian cancer.

I never would have imagined missing her so much. Sure, I knew I would miss her. I just never thought it would be like this. You know, to the point where tears fall from your eyes when you least expect it or where  a mere look from your sister can remind you so much of that lady who took the best care of you she knew how. A word uttered can remind you of the  way she said something or the emphasis she put on that very word.

None of us are given a handbook on how to raise our kids. Nope, we are pansters where that is concerned- we just fly by the seat of our pants and hope we are doing it right. Even though I thought my mother was doing it all wrong when I was a teenager, I found out later, she couldn’t have done a better job if she’d had that handbook. Some of the things she taught us, like  loving each other (“blood is thicker than water”), we were taught to love God even more. I remember wondering when I was a little girl how in the world it was that I was supposed to love God more than I loved my mother? That was more love than was fathomable to me.

As an adult, I can see that is how much my mother loved us. More than we could fathom. And she still had more love for God. It is much like my feelings for my own kids. My mother taught me how to love God and for that I will be forever grateful.

I took my mother to the hospital just after Thanksgiving in 2004. She supposed she had a virus and couldn’t keep anything down. I hated spending time at the hospital, having a son who was there a lot, but she had spent her time with me at the doctor, so it was the least I could do for her. She was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. There was nothing they could do for her and I knew she wouldn’t be here much longer. I stayed with her every chance I could, wanting to spend as much time with the woman who gave and sustained life to and for me. We talked and laughed and said all the things we hadn’t said to each other.

I told her what a great mother she was, even though I didn’t always act as if she was and in fact sometimes acted as if she were my worst enemy and spewed hatred towards her. I never hated my mother. I loved her deeply. The way we love our mothers is with a love so deep, it is just too difficult to understand. She told me I “turned out pretty good, after all.” I cried. I needed to know that even though I provided my mother plenty of disappointment, it was not a complete loss. She loved me anyway. And she was proud of me. That’s all I ever wanted to hear from her. She didn’t disappoint me.

My sister and I were there when she passed away. Truly, she had already gone, but her body kept going, slow to give out. I miss my mom terribly today and I am crying as I write this. If you have not told your mom today that you love her and thanked her for doing her best to bring you up, please do it today. Let her know she is the greatest mom ever and you appreciate all her hard work.

As for me, while it seems like ages until I see my mother again, I know it will be just a blink of an eye. I love you Mother and I miss you.


Mothers and Daughters

I was the black sheep of the family. No, I was! If my mother said yes, I said no-if she said go, I said stop. I was strong willed, sometimes hateful, sometimes loving. To me, my mother was everything, but admitting that, especially in my teenage years was like pulling teeth. I’d sooner cut off

My Mother during a trip to the Holy Land
My Mother during a trip to the Holy Land

my nose to spite my face than do what I was told.

But, a mother-daughter relationship is a difficult thing at times. Even in the early years of a girls life, there is competition for the affection of the dad. A young girl sees her mom as competition, just like a young boy sees his dad as competition. But, that is a normal and essential part of growing up.

Although I loved my mom, there were times I told her I hated her. How those words must have cut her like a knife. I never meant it, but if she hurt me, I wanted to hurt her back.

It wasn’t until I had kids when I decided my mother knew just about everything there was to know about raising them. No, I didn’t necessarily want to raise mine as she did, but there were some aspects of what she taught my sisters and I that I wanted to keep, some I didn’t. She wasn’t always supportive of the things I let my kids do-for example,I let Micah grow his hair as long as he wanted to when he was 9. He had the most beautiful blonde hair that flowed to his mid-back. My mother, being a hairdresser, thought that was a bit much. I had my reasons for letting him control his hair. She didn’t understand them. That’s okay. We lived through it.

I did  a lot of things she didn’t understand and she did things I didn’t get at all. But, she was my mother. It was okay for me to badmouth her at times, but nobody else better try.

Mother’s Days were always special for me because she was special. She was funny, full of life, loved to laugh , always worried. She worked hard for her family to give us whatever we wanted or needed. She took extraordinary care of my dad who suffered through his own ordeals. She was by his side when he died. Even with all his troubles, she loved him more than anything -except maybe his children.

My  mother is no longer on this earth , but she is still is still with me. Sometimes when I laugh, I hear hers, sometimes when I say something, it’s her voice I hear-it’s her words coming out of my mouth. I smile  to myself each time it happens. I am so happy she is with me in this way.

My mother told me when her mom passed away, she called for her mother. My mother called for her mother too. I will call for my mother to guide me Home,too because a mother is a the closest thing to an angel  there is.

I love you Mother. Happy Mother’s day!